before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
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I have obtained a hat
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
How it started: How it’s going:
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately