Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!