Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

I’ve had worse

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

[McDonald’s interview]

Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working

Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*

Sorry it’s out of order

Interviewer: when can you start?

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂