Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”