Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

If you love someone, let them sleep.

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

i love meeting boys on tinder

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours