[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
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If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.