[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
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Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time