[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
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I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
…u ok Nintendo?
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Limited budget
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
🌱🌱🌱
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children