[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
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I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
How much for the goth pool noodles?
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
what does he know…
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Never mess with a drunken pig.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.