Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

🐦

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

Some of y’all tomorrow …

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

Got ya covered

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.