Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.