Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

Twitter is the new flypaper.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not