Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
You Might Also Like
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.