Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
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Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!