Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
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You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I think this might be relevant today.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
Perfect.
