Before crowbars crows drank alone
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[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.