Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

The Compass

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that