Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.