Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.