[before date]

friend: make everything about her


waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

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Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain


Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.


Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?


If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?


Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*


MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend


Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]

Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.


Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science


Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.


Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar