@decentbirthday

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

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@TheWoodenslurpy

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

@DarlingNikki_12

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

@slimmy_shady

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

@TheBoydP

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

@girl_a_whirl

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

@InternetHippo

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

@RodLacroix

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]



Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

@yoyoha

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

@sannewman

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar