[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
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Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
“No way.” -Jose
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes