Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

It’s an epidemic…

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

Date: Do you practice safe sex?

Me: I use the pull out method

Date: That doesn’t work!

Me *pulls out accordion*

Date: I don’t want to have sex with you

Me: It always works

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

Breaking news:

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.