Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bringing home a sharpie

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.