[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
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Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
me refusing to leave twitter
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*