[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
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Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.