[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
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After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Can you solve the riddle??
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
