Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

This week’s mood.

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.