[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
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There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa