[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

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Sorry I didn’t text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn’t want to mess up my phone.


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Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.


Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?


“So why do you wanna work at Petsmart?”
*imagines running out of the store with all the dogs in my arms*
“I’m a people person.”


Such a double standard that when a guy sleeps with a ton of people he’s “cool,” but when I do I’m “lying”


[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up


“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine


DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it’s healed completely, you’ll need to wear this *places cone around patient’s neck*


It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.