@FrazzleMyGimp

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

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@shutupmikeginn

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

@ObscureGent

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

@abbycohenwl

Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the infant catapult moments before his arrest

@Irish_Dinosaur

“you should be more serious, sir. this is arson.” “no this is MY son!” *tousles his hair* “ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn”

@Loli_Sug

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

@Blueorsomething

This restraining order says I have to stay 100 yards away, but this telescope makes it feel like I’m right in your bedroom with you.

@Underchilde

Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.

@Shenaniglenns

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

@Smug_Lemur

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.