I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
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If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the infant catapult moments before his arrest
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
“you should be more serious, sir. this is arson.” “no this is MY son!” *tousles his hair* “ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn”
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
This restraining order says I have to stay 100 yards away, but this telescope makes it feel like I’m right in your bedroom with you.
Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.