[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
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I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me: