Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

Always a metermaid never a meter

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

ah yes….my favourite videogame

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

[First date]

Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.