Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
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The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.