Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

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Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

@ candidates for local office

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t