Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
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As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.