Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
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Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Thanks to a fan for this one!
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
My neck, my back, my…
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425