Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
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🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?