Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
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SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.