Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
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Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Nice try Hitler
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?