Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
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My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I would like even faster food.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?