Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

CANADA WATCHING US NEWS

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

Me: *falling asleep*

My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.