Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
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How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
This is Sparta
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*