Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
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Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.