Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
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I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us