Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
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what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.