Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
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Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
selfie game
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
What kind of a cult is this?
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads