Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.