Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
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Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.