Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
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People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.