I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
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Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Got him!
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great