Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

crazy

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

Money is the root of all wealth

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either