Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
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pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.