[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
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I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
How actors in movies eat their food
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind