Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
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Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes