Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
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I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
wow he looks just like him
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.