Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
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We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.