Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
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About to go for a run, because shoplifting
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
my retirement plan is braless
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
This raises questions
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I’ve disappointed better people.
fired
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up