Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

Proctology is located in A55

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring