Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
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Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing