Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
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The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Are you ok, human???
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.