Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]