Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

Just a reminder, folks:

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

[Driving home from restaurant]

WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.