Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”