Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
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A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
It’s a gift
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Great Canadian literature.
Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah