Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!