Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
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20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?