Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
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°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
How to woo a woman
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.