Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
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Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account