Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.