Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
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Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.