Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

By Kate Hatos

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi

No you didn’t, 9 year old lol

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.