Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
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I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.