Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
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If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I love twitter
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.