Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

sigh

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.