Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

nurse: height

me: i’m 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.