Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
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My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks