Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.