Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
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The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.