Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
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It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me