Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
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Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I put the I in Insufferable.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
lmao
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
My kids have picture day this week, so the chances of them giving each other a black eye or cutting their own hair just increased tenfold.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.