Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats